Brown mushroom in bed of gray moss.

By the time a tipsy Marley and Dick stumbled into his tiny house, it was going on midnight. They had shut down Durant’s—the last to leave after Marley finished nursing her Brandy Alexander and Dick, his cigar. Both had been all too happy to languish until closing time in their cozy corner booth while discretely rubbing hungry hands up and down one another’s thighs, able to do so in relative quiet after the assisted departure of the inebriated mayor.

“Get you a nightcap? Beer? Scotch?” asked Dick, as soon as they arrived.

“No thanks,” said Marley, “I’m already seeing double.”

“Mind if I do?”

“Go right ahead,” said Marley. She’d never seen a man knock down so much booze in one night and still be standing. The phrase ‘cast-iron stomach’ sprang to mind.

As Dick headed into the kitchen, Marley turned on the radio of his vintage stereo system, then took a seat on the sad green couch. Looking around, the furniture and carpeting didn’t look quite so bad as she’d remembered; after several glasses of wine and a Brandy Alexander, Marley now found the décor ‘quaint’, the carpet ‘lived-in’, and Dick…well, Dick, he was looking almost handsome—downright studly, in fact.

Dick soon returned to the living room, swirling a glass of Scotch before emptying its contents in one swig. He ran his tongue over his upper lip and made an air-sucking sound with his mouth to siphon every last remnant of the liquor from his mustache, a sly smile forming beneath it when he finished.

“I have a surprise for you,” he said, ogling Marley as she sat demurely on the edge of the sofa. He set his empty glass on the coffee table and pulled a slender jewelry case from his inside coat pocket. “Happy birthday,” he said, handing her the case.

“Dick! You shouldn’t have! Dinner was more than enough.”

“I wanted to,” he said, as he took her hand and pulled her to her feet.

Marley was touched. She hadn’t expected this. He’d already spent what must’ve been a small fortune on the dinner, and now a gift, too? She could feel her face flushing from a kind of happiness she’d never before felt, a kind of soul-hugging warmth that was now spreading throughout her body as she fondled the jewelry case.

“Well, open it!” said Dick, eager to see her expression of delight.

Marley opened the velvet-lined case. A thin, gold chain lay inside.

“It’s beautiful!” exclaimed Marley, eyes brimming with tears of joy.

“It’s fourteen-karat gold,” Dick boasted, then took the necklace from the case and moved behind her to put it on. “Lift your hair for me.”

Marley complied and waited for him to do the clasp. Done, he undid the clasp of her crucifix necklace and dropped it on the coffee table. When Marley let fall her long red locks, Dick’s hands were suddenly in them, stroking and playing with the wavy tresses before letting his hands settle onto her shoulders, massaging them lightly. His hands then began to explore, running up and down her curves, sensing trim, firm flesh beneath the slippery cool of her thin silk dress.

Dick was acutely aware of her youth; she was fifteen years his junior. So he wasn’t sure why the evidence of her youth—her toned, svelte body—so surprised him; but it did, and agreeably so.

“I’ve been thinking about you ever since the ride-along,” he breathed into her ear. “Your body is so fucking hot. I’ve never been with anyone with a body like yours. My ex and Totie, they’re both close to three hundred pounds.” His hands slid up her sides and he caught her breasts, cupping one in each hand. “I can’t believe this is all mine. I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone like you.”

Marley stood silent, immobilized by his grasp, yet turned on by his caresses. She closed her eyes and imagined the amazing, mutually-gratifying sex that was about to happen at any minute. Finally, she thought, this is really happening!

Dick’s caresses grew increasingly urgent as he pressed himself against her backside and began to hump her. “I think I’m in love with you. No one’s ever made feel this way before. I want it all with you—marriage, kids, everything. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together.”

Had she not been stewing in wine, the declaration of love and commitment on a second date would have made Marley turn tail and run for the hills. But the alcohol had dropped her guard and destroyed her better judgment. Marley turned to face Dick, inviting him to snuggle her tightly and press his pelvis into hers. She expected to feel something hard and hot poking into her, but the overhang of his gut got in the way.

Dick’s hands were now on her ass, grabbing and squeezing her cheeks as he leaned down to kiss her neck.

Marley felt so dainty and petite in his protective hold. She again closed her eyes as he gnawed and sucked on her neck, his ass-kneading hands moving in time with the driving rhythm of the Neil Diamond ballad playing on the radio.

And then his mouth found hers, his tongue filling it completely and tasting of Scotch and cigar; but the promise of sex was all that Marley tasted, and all that Marley cared about.

Marley’s body was straining and wailing at her, threatening to drive her mad if she didn’t get relief, and soon, for the fire blazing between her legs. Like a sphincter, her lips closed tightly around Dick’s trespassing tongue as her mouth began to slide up and down the bumpy shaft, sucking and squeezing it with her lips as she urgently fumbled to unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants.

Muenster’s eyes, through the glaze of three double Scotches, two glasses of wine, and a Brandy Alexander, grew wide with excited surprise. “I can’t wait to be inside you,” he said in a throaty whisper as he picked her up, forgetting all about his trick back, and carried her into his bedroom. In his overeager and tipsy state, he stumbled and fell onto the bed, landing atop Marley’s small but surprisingly strong frame. Beneath his bulk, Marley squirmed and writhed, her arms and legs flailing and fighting to rip off his clothes…

In seconds, they were naked with Marley lying spread-eagled under Dick’s 240 pounds of hairy, sweating flesh and Marley literally holding her breath as she anticipated the moment she’d been waiting for and dreaming of for years:

The moment of entry.

She waited…

And waited…

And waited…

She could wait no more. With an impatient hand, she reached down to hurry him in, expecting to find a throbbing, turgid expression of his desire but found, instead, a fleshy stub, soft and spongy, like his leisure suit.

An embarrassed Dick tried to laugh it off. “This always happens on the first date. I get really nervous. I just need a little more time…”

Marley had set a rule for herself to never give head so soon in a relationship, but if ever there was a moment that warranted breaking the rules, this was it: She plunged headfirst into his groin and worked feverishly to turn his spongy little acorn into a mighty oak, much to Dick’s drunken delight.

Stretched out across the bed, naked and relaxed, with a hot and equally naked little redhead sucking his cock, Dick closed his eyes and let the pleasure of her mouth wash over him; he wouldn’t mind if this went on forever—the effect was damn near sedating…

Meanwhile, Marley’s mouth was getting an unprecedented workout; her cheeks had begun to ache, almost as much the mucoid muscles between her legs. But the more she sucked, the more she stroked, the more she licked…the smaller the damn thing got. It was shrinking, retreating deeper and deeper into the hairy folds of his pubic fat, looking every bit like a toadstool cap nestled within a matted bed of grey moss.

Except in fantasies, Marley had never before performed fellatio and Dick’s reaction, or lack thereof, was a strong indicator she was doing it all wrong. Maybe she wasn’t sucking hard enough? Or was she sucking too hard? Perhaps if she licked more instead of sucked? Marley tried every which way, changing her technique every few minutes, using her tongue, not using her tongue, stroking, not stroking…she was so completely lost in concentration, determined to get it right, that she didn’t hear the faint rattle blowing softly through Dick’s nasal sinuses. It wasn’t until the rumble of a loud snore, so loud it shook the bed, that Marley looked up to find Dick fast asleep—or, more accurately, passed out cold. 

The limp little acorn flopped free from Marley’s gaping mouth as Neil Diamond’s ballad came to a somber end. Add Officer Dick Muenster’s name to Diamond’s long list of those poor sods who’ve sweated in the sun and wept for being Done Too Soon.

On this night, it was Dick who was done too soon and it was poor, sex-starved Marley who woefully wept.

Happy fucking birthday.

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